More than often, you think you have many friends, but once you are in a grave need, all of them suddenly “disappear.” Here is why this happens.
Humans have always been social creatures, and still are to this day. Whether we like it or not, we’ll always be surrounded by other humans. This is either because we are forced to, such as living in a big city or being in a workplace, or because we seek out emotional connections with others (consciously and subconsciously). The advantage in this, is that we’re safer in bigger numbers, we mature emotionally, we help each other out, and overall our life quality improves in various directions. However, the disadvantages can be equal in numbers, as we sometimes have “forced” relations with people we dislike, are being knowingly taken advantage of, unwillingly give away our freedom, so we get something in return or avoid putting ourselves in difficult positions.
There is one particular group of people, however, which we separate from the rest as we think it’s safe, supportive, and compassionate, and that’s our circle of friends. Though friendships have been undoubtedly life-changing and beneficial to each one of us, we tend to fall into multiple pits, and get hurt at best. The reasons are plenty, and it’s mainly attributed to the individual’s mentality, emotional condition, as well as intelligence. This is something we are going to address another time. The point is, not all friendships are “friendships”, and here is how you can truly assess them:
1. Don’t ask! Deduct!
You’d think that saying “Are you my friend?” to someone is enough to confirm your friendship with them, but that’s far from the truth for two reasons. First, “friend” can mean a different thing to the person you’re talking to, hence answering “yes” might provide nothing of value. Second, the other person might feel pressured, and give you a positive reply just to avoid awkwardness.
You can solve this issue by trying to make your own conclusions about your friendship. Actions, in this case, speak louder than words. That’s why it’s more important to observe in the long run, how that person treats you, and how far that person goes for you, instead of asking questions that penetrate little to none.
2. Do they help you when you’re in need?
Similar to the point above, one of the determining factors is watching how your friends treat you when you need them the most. Say, you’ve been stranded in a city or country because you’ve lost your wallet, and you need somebody to buy you a plane ticket. The ones that offer their help immediately without any questions asked, are the ones that really care about you. The ones that avoid you, or make lame excuses, have shown their true colors, and it’s time for you to re-evaluate your relationship with them.
3. Don’t mistake politeness for friendship
Certain people are very gentle and sweet in general. More than often, you will encounter such people in various settings. You’ll feel relieved that someone pays so much attention to you and cares about what you’re saying, but that can leave you bitter once you realize that it’s only a facade linked to their personality, and not a relationship with you.
What you should do, in this case, is to observe and then act. Usually, people that are sweet with everybody don’t share much of their personal lives with them. They also tend to get unpleasant when their personal interests are at stake. In essence, you should be careful not to judge prematurely, and see how your relationship will develop, instead.
4. Did you remember to reciprocate?
Sometimes it just happens that true friends might have come across our lives, but we blew it because we were the ones who acted unfairly, or didn’t reciprocate any of their favors. It’s important to treat your friends just like you want them to treat you. If you feel that this could put you in a disadvantageous position, then you don’t know what friendship means. Even if you feel they’re offering nothing of value to you, you should still be the first one to act selflessly. If they don’t respond in kind, assess the situation as we discussed, and then move on. At least now you have cleared out all your doubts.
5. Colleagues vs. friends
Colleagues/classmates/gym-buddies and similar, is anybody that you’re interacting with on a daily basis. It can be a fulfilling and wholesome experience. However, that might also be the trap you’re falling into. Workplaces, schools, and any place you regularly attend, have people with mutual interests. For example, you might be mesmerized by a colleague that has bright ideas, treats you kindly, buys you coffee, talks to you about personal matters, etc., and you might be confusing this gesture of politeness or your shared interests as a friendship.
You can avoid this simply seeing what will happen when your interests are “in conflict,” such as when a managerial position you’re both fighting for is at stake, or if they share your confidential discussions with other colleagues. Sometimes, they might even add you as a “friend” on all personal social media just so they can get an opportunity to snoop on you.
So, be vigilant, because it’s quite rare for colleagues to become true friends with each other. Keep your distance, and understand that the word acquaintance is there for a reason.
6. Check for the smaller things
Finally, it’s literally the small things that count, like your daily conversations, markups, gestures, and others. For example, do your friends compliment you, or are they demeaning to you? Do your friends always criticize you, or do they show support? Do they point out your weaknesses when in groups of friends, or do they cover your back?
It’s fairly easy to understand the concept of this: if your friend makes you feel bad about yourself, he/she ain’t your friend.
What other signs of fake friendship do you think we should add?
Have you ever been the victim of such friendship?
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